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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742096">I Won't Run Anymore</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadlatimer/pseuds/sadlatimer'>sadlatimer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Gender Identity, Headcanon, Self-Discovery, Yaz uses they/them, basically connected with Can You Hear Me?, nb!Yaz, non-binary, we need more nb!yaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:08:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,554</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742096</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadlatimer/pseuds/sadlatimer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yaz is non-binary and ends up coming out to the Doctor.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Won't Run Anymore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>nb!yaz is something I haven't seen much of and I really love the idea of it. I thought it was a perfect chance to talk about the stereotypes people have when it comes to us nb humans. </p><p>I just also wanna put some emphasis on the fact that Yaz's backstory is mentioned in this and so there's big references to mental health, mainly anxiety and depression.</p><p>Enjoy! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They couldn’t sleep.  </p><p>After tossing and turning countless times, Yaz finally decides to give up and go see if the Doctor is awake. Seeing as the Time Lord hardly slept there was a high chance she’d be around somewhere. Tinkering with something. Maybe in the 3rd library, she liked to talk to the fish in the tank. They’d all laughed when she told them she could speak to fish but then she proved it and it was safe to say that Graham’s face had been priceless.  </p><p>This is the 4th night in a row that Yaz has been kept awake by the never ending rush of thoughts. They had debated many a time on talking to the Doctor about it, deciding that she would probably be the best person, seeing as she wasn’t human, she wouldn’t necessarily have the same opinions as they did.  </p><p>She felt like the safest option.  </p><p>But Yaz hadn’t been able to make the step. The constant doubt in their mind stopping them, saying that they’re just confused, that it’s a phase, despite the heart sinking moments they have every time people refer to them in certain ways. The endless push and pull of doubt and proof. </p><p>The TARDIS, being helpful as ever, leads Yaz straight to her.  </p><p>They hear her first, banging and fizzing echoing around the console room, a massive spark causes Yaz to jump back into the door. The TARDIS whirls as she complains to the alien fiddling with her circuits.  </p><p>“I know, I know, I'm sorry. 3rd time, won’t do it again, promise.”  </p><p>A chime rings.  </p><p>“Ok, 5th, but it’s really dark under here and I'm sure you’ve moved some things around because that.”  </p><p>She taps the part in question. </p><p>“Was not there before.”  </p><p>Yaz moves down the steps, soon spotting the person they were in search of. Well, her feet at least. Sock covered and poking out from underneath the console, her coat spread out under her body as a mat and tools dotted on the floor around her. They decide to take a seat on the steps while they wait for her to finish whatever she’s doing. Even just being in the presence of the Time Lord is enough to ease any worries and watching her work is truly captivating, even if she does keep hitting the wrong thing. </p><p>                                                                                -------- </p><p>It takes about 20 minutes for the Doctor to finally pop up from under the console. A smudge of grease painting the cheek below the goggles that hide her eyes, sleeves rolled up and braces hanging down from her hips, her messy blonde hair half tied up in a pony tail. Yaz had offered the other week to give her a hair cut, not that they knew what they’d be doing but, the offer was still given as she had been complaining about how much it had grown. There hadn’t been enough time though, things just kept getting in the way, new planets to visit, a distress call and the very important trip to IKEA to replace the purple sofa the Doctor swore she had no part in the breaking of. </p><p>She pulls her goggles off and lets them hang around her neck, wiping the sweat off her forehead with her arm before leaning over the console to fiddle with the buttons and levers. The centre crystal gives off a glow that dimly lights the room and Yaz is trying to work out if it’s the return of the nerves or the way the light hits the Doctor’s face that’s stalled them from announcing their presence.  </p><p>Maybe it’s both. </p><p>A low mumble from the TARDIS causes the Doctor to turn in Yaz’s direction, the ship clearly having taken it upon herself to announce that there was now someone else in the room. Yaz silently thanks her, she had stayed quiet all this time after all, she could’ve easily let the Time Lord know straight away that Yaz had arrived. It was like she could sense that they needed some time first.  </p><p>“Yaz! Hiya! How long have you been sitting there?” </p><p>“Long enough to see you eat that custard cream you found jammed in the dispenser.” </p><p>She opens her mouth, about to completely deny what Yaz is claiming to have seen, closing it again when she realises she can’t, because yes, she did do that.  </p><p>“Can’t let them go to waste, Yaz. One of the best foods the human race has created... although, Jelly Babies... oh and those little round-”  </p><p>Yaz lets out a soft cough, stopping the Doctors rambles before they end up hearing a whole menu worth of food items. </p><p>“Sorry.” She says with an apologetic smile. “I don’t think I'll ever get use to how much of a sweet tooth this body has, although, it’s better than one that loves fish fingers and custard.” Shivering at the memory as she wipes her hands on the cloth hanging from the console before making her way over to the steps, taking a seat next to Yaz and immediately giving them her full attention.  </p><p>“Can’t sleep?” </p><p>“My heads just-”  </p><p>Their throat closes, stopping anymore words from getting out. They shake their head in frustration as they rest it in their hands, releasing a big sigh.  </p><p><em>Why is it so hard to start these conversations? </em> </p><p>
  <em>What do you even say?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why don’t the words want to come out? </em>
</p><p>“I’m here, Yaz, whatever it is. You can talk to me about anything. Ask me anything.” The Doctor tries to reassure her best friend.  </p><p>When they first met the Doctor she had been a closed book. Actually, more of a book in a chest with 6 padlocks on behind a massive metal door with a passcode. For a long time they were travelling the stars with a stranger, someone who spoke so much, but at the same time said so little. They all gave her the time and space to open up and since then she’d told them so much, shown them even more, and they’d come to understand why she was so reluctant at the beginning. The Doctor had become the person Yaz trusted the most in the whole universe, this is why they were sat here, this is why it was so hard to speak.  </p><p>Who wants to not be accepted by and lose the person you trust more than anyone else?  </p><p>As much as their head tells them that there’s no way the Doctor would reject or think any different of them, there’s always that fear sitting there, that little annoying blob at the back of your head that likes to contradict everything. Always feeling so much bigger than it actually is because the negatives always seem to be louder than the positives.  </p><p>Another sigh. </p><p>They raise their head and just stare straight ahead. Their brain deciding for them that today, right now, was the time to finally release some of that pressure. </p><p>“Before I met you. I- I'd been in a bad place, really bad.” They risk a quick glance, meeting compassionate hazel-green eyes for a second before returning their gaze to the open room. “I ran away from home. I don’t know where I was going. I don’t know that I even knew what I was doing. I just felt the need to run, to get away, to just... breathe for a second.” They drop their head to watch their fingers fiddle with each other, trying not to focus on the heartbeat that feels like it’s almost tripled. “A police officer found me sitting at the side of the road, mum had rung them, she asked me all these questions and honestly some of them I was too scared to answer. Too scared of the truth and accepting those feelings. She stayed with me a little longer, we spoke some more and then she drove me home.”  </p><p>They sit there for a few seconds, the low hum of the TARDIS in the background, neither of them speak. Yaz trying to decide whether they want to continue or not, let all that pressure out now or just stop and save the rest for some other time, whenever that would be. The thought of spending another day, another second holding it all in, especially now they’d finally summoned the courage to speak, was enough to persuade them to carry on.  </p><p>“All those feelings, the ones that made me run away, when I got home most of them just got shoved to the back of my head again. I did talk about things, but there’s just some stuff that I was and still am too scared to voice. Mostly because I feel like people just won’t understand it and I don’t want to feel like I have to defend myself when I know how I feel.”  </p><p>“You won’t have to defend yourself to me, Yaz.”  </p><p>And Yaz believes her.  </p><p>“Doctor, can I ask you something?” </p><p>“Anything.” </p><p>“How much do you know about different gender identities when it comes to humans?” They pause for a second, debating whether to ask the next question. </p><p>
  <em>Is it too far? </em>
</p><p>The Doctor had become more open but Yaz didn’t want to push it. She had a tendency to still close up a little when it came to talking about home, understandably so when you’ve recently found out that your entire existence is a lie.  </p><p>“Do Time Lords have a similar concept?” They ask in a softer voice, trying to convey that it’s not important that she answers that one. </p><p>The Doctor turns to face Yaz, bringing a leg up onto the step, she could sense there was something important about all this. The fact she could hear Yaz’s thoughts going mad was a massive hint, she’d never listen in but it was like being in a crowded room, you can hear all the voices but not what the conversations actually are. She’d do anything to try and ease that, even if it's just a little bit. </p><p>“Having spent a lot of time on earth and around humans I've come to understand some things but, I had this friend, Bill.” A small, but sad, smile appears on her face as she thinks about her lost friend."You’d’ve liked her. She explained more, told me about it all, so I like to think I know a fair amount, she gave me a good lesson, considering I was meant to be the teacher.” </p><p>Yaz gives a questioning look to which to she responds with one that says “A story for another time”. Bill was someone the Doctor struggled with talking about, as well as many a past friend, more for the fear it brought. The fear of what might happen to her current companions. She’d spoken a few times on the happier moments from the past but you could always see the pain flash in her eyes while she spoke, like it did just now.  </p><p>“Time Lords and gender though, that’s a bit... wibbly wobbly.” The Doctor continues. </p><p>“Wibbly wobbly?” </p><p>“We live for so long. Hundreds and thousands of years. For us there are much bigger problems to worry about than what gender someone is, we don’t really acknowledge it. Well, I mean, some of us do.” She rolls her eyes at that, thinking about how pompous some can be. I mean, they call themselves Time Lords, that says enough. “Personally though? I don’t feel like I'm bound to either side.” </p><p>As she says that last sentence something Bill said when she’d explained about humans and gender pops into her mind, something she’d also come to witness over the time she’d spent on earth. So she continues to voice her thoughts, if anything to try and reassure Yaz and sooth that worry line that had been sitting between her brows since the start of this conversation. </p><p>“Humans have such a need for things to be black and white, you have all these stereotypes and beliefs. I just don’t see why you feel like you have to tell each other what they can and can’t feel. You’d all live a much happier life if you stopped contradicting each other and let the world be grey too.” </p><p>“Doctor?” </p><p>“Sorry, was I rambling again?”  </p><p>“No, no, I'm-” They stumble over their words slightly, trying to work out the best way to do this. </p><p><em>Is there a way to do this?</em> </p><p><em>Do you just say it?</em>  </p><p><em>Do you lead into-</em> </p><p>“I’m non-binary.”  </p><p>The three words they’ve been holding onto for so long finally tumble out.  </p><p>They subconsciously sit a little taller, even just telling one person has lifted the weight off their shoulders slightly and the look on the Doctors face removes that last bit of doubt and fear that was still clinging on. They feel a hand cover their own, stopping the nervous fight that was happening between their hands, and as they stare at the joined hands the confidence to continue arrives. </p><p>“The thought of telling people, telling my family, it terrifies me. Those stereotypes and beliefs haunt me.” They feel the tears approaching their eyes again, but refuse to let them fall until they’ve finished. “Everyone always assumes that if you don’t identify with the gender you were born as then you must look or act like the opposite, but here I am. I ran away from it once, I'd even say I ran again when I came with you, but I just can't anymore. I don’t want to feel ashamed or scared of it, I want to be able to say I'm proud. I want to be me.”  </p><p>For a few seconds the room is silent and Yaz feels like they can hear their words echoing in the space around them. It’s only when the Doctors speaks that they raise their head again and the echoing stops.  </p><p>“How can I help?”  </p><p>The sincerity they come face-to-face with makes them feel heard, for the first time, properly heard and it takes everything to hold off those tears for just a little longer. </p><p>“Can you not use ‘she’? I'd really like it if you could use more neutral pronouns like ‘they’ and ‘them’” </p><p>“Consider it done.” She nods her head slightly before giving a small smile as she tests out the slight change in address. “This is Yaz, they’re my best mate.” </p><p>The Time Lords antics and just the sheer relief of finally having the conversation they’d been dreading causes a teary laugh falls from Yaz’s lips. They’d done it, it might only be one person who knows, but that’s one more than before and, what makes it even better, she accepts them.  </p><p>“Doctor, can I- I know you don’t really do hugs but-” Yaz was cut off by strong arms pulling them into a hug and there was something about it, maybe partly due to the rarity of the action, that made Yaz feel instantly safe.  </p><p>“I’m so proud of you, Yaz” </p><p>And that’s when the tears finally started rolling down their face. Those 6 words being all they want to hear. In that moment, with their face buried in blonde hair that smelt of smoke and oil, they knew that if everything went pear shaped when they told everyone else, if their family didn’t want to accept them, they would be okay in the end because they had the Doctor on their side.  </p><p>Always.</p>
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